It’s almost been a month without speaking. I feel better, I’m staying positive. I’m pretty sure I’ve finally accepted that we are no longer together, or perhaps trying to ignore it. Either way, I still see you in my dreams almost every night and that is the hardest thing to wake up to.
I watched the documentary The Secret a couple nights ago. It was so inspiring and it has motivated me to be thankful for everything in my life and to trust that thing will work out for us. Maybe not right now but I’m staying positive because I believe that we are meant to be one day– not in a crazy way where I’m obsessed and just don’t want to let you go, but because I just know it in my heart. Even if it is in a couple years. We will find each other.
But for now, I’ll just see you in my dreams.
I’ve been talking to many random ppl about love. Surprisingly, they all tell me similar stories. They say, “yes, I’ve fallen in love many times… Etc” One lady in the plane said she had many boyfriends and the last one who broke her heart before she got married is the one she will always keep thinking about. I think most people will have that one person on their lives that they will regret losing and miss them forever. A person that they were so passionate about and so I love with but then settled for someone else. I don’t want to settle with someone who isn’t that person who is my everything. I think love is so important. Things can be so simple but as human beings we just seem to over complicate everything because of the norms of society.
Society says you must ensure you go to school, get a high school diploma, then college, then graduate school. Then, you get a high paying career, even if you’re not passionate about it. Then you meet someone who is on the same level as you are, or better- make sure they can provide security- get married, have kids, and continue your daily life with a smile. If you’re not happy, don’t show it- follow the rules. As much as education and getting a good job is important, I think doing what makes you happy is far more important.
For me, love goes above it all. I love love. I have so much love to give. So screw the rules. I wish you would have seen that instead of surrendering to the rules- something you said you would never do. Follow your heart.
I think everyone should live that way- of course if there is no major risk. But evaluate what is the most important to you and go for it.
I miss you, and it hurts. Every single day. It could be so simple. I could pick up the phone and just call you and be happy again. But instead, the norms of society is winning this one. It already got to you. Timing is the only reason it’s over. It didn’t have to be.
When I find a cure or a system to get over heartbreak I will share it. But until then, I will follow my dreams. Just know, you’re still first on my list.
Well, it’s about that time. I went out last night to an lgbt networking event and I was amazed by how friendly everyone was. I made many new connections. I felt so welcome and it only made me feel more confident about moving here.
It is so relieving to have a stable decision as to what my next step will be after graduation. Of course, I still really miss David and I have my moments of sadness everyday. I wonder if he will end up here as well. I hope he will. But this is my life and nothing will stop me from pursuing my dreams now.
Goodbye San Francisco, I will see you soon. Tomorrow I leave back to Europe for my last semester of school.
Cheers to the future!
I managed to find a way not to go to LA. Maybe one day I’ll go, but not today. I will stay in San Francisco for a couple more days and hustle. I’ll walk into some companies and present myself and see where it goes from there. It’s time that I take control of my life. I have many moments of weakness but I still have some strength left in me. I don’t have strength to be close to my ex right now and barely have the strength to refrain myself from contacting him so it’s just best that I concentrate on me and take care of me.
Well I decided that San Francisco is where I want to be! It’s so nice… So much life, and very international. I had a couple interviews and they are both very interested in me. One offered me a job and the other told me to contact them immediately with the CEO’s personal number. I’m not quite sure what I think though because these these firms don’t exactly market to the targets I would be interested in, however they do train you and you do move quickly up the chain which is important either way. I can get the training I need plus experience and then I can be more picky.
I explored the city and figured out my way around very quickly. I even went on a coffee date. Nothing serious but it was nice to have some company.
Tomorrow I go to LA. I am dreading this unfortunately because I don’t want to be anywhere near my ex right now- especially because we’re doing no contact. I’m so afraid that it will just hurt me more. However I need to go, tickets are too expensive to change the flight. I guess it’s just another part of the journey.
I knew that this was the moment I was waiting for. For the beginning of the end of this chapter. I finally got to San Francisco for the first time last night. Today I have two interviews. I’m figuring out the public transportation system in this city pretty quickly and I already love it. I haven’t even seen the city yet but I think it’s because I know that this is where I’ll end up in a few months.
I wish I could share my experience with David. It gets really lonely because I am here by myself. It’s hard to accept that I shouldn’t talk to him and can’t share my experiences with him after we had been talking almost everyday for two years. It’s sad really.
However, this is my time now. I need to be positive and move forward with this journey. Maybe one day he’ll catch up. This was meant to be- I am meant to be here. I’m excited to keep exploring my future city.
It’s my last night at home before my big adventure. My dad just left, my main support system, the person I can really depend on and that I love so much. I just broke down. And the only person I want to talk to is you- my other support system, and I can’t. I miss you so so much. I need you. I wish I can just reach out to you. I can’t stop crying. I’m scared to start this adventure by myself. I just wish I had you to tell me you love me, that you’re here for me, and that it will be okay. I know that if I did call you you would be there and be supportive to me, but I know I shouldn’t. This is the hardest battle that I have been fighting for the past 2 weeks. I just want to give up. I have no one else to turn to right now. All I want is you. Even if it’s only for one minute.
This song hits home for me. I cry every time it comes on. I couldn’t describe how I feel any better. Day 10 without speaking- still as hard as the first.